That little evil voice

After years of medical crap behind me, I still get those nasty niggling thoughts that something new might actually be wrong with me. What is the reason for that 'new' problem? Is it cancer again? No I can't get cancer again. I have had my share already thanks. My body can't take much more please. 

I admit to having some not so good thoughts about pains in the past few days that are leading me to making new appointments with a couple of doctors. This does not make me happy. But sometimes I have to just calm down that little evil voice that causes me so much stress. But since its a Monday morning I have to wait a bit to call in to make appointments because everyone else in the world is also calling in because they get sick on the weekend too.

Anyway my health management basically consists of quieting the little evil voice whenever it speaks up. Is there special health insurance for that? There should be.

What Do You Do When You Don't Feel Well?

I guess on the short term when I don't feel well I stay in bed or on the couch. I sit around doing a lot of nothing. And eat and drink what I want. Or what I feel will make me feel better...

If I don't feel better I call my doctor eventually... If I think its that important. I hate calling the doctor. I will not go to the ER unless I am (literally) dripping blood.

I often pretend I am feeling well when I may not be. Because if I didn't do that I would spend entirely too much time sitting around.

But today I am not feeling that bad. Even though I painted part of the living room yesterday. I mean I am tired and soon I will get my act together and take a shower and get dressed. I have nothing on my calendar until 1 pm today. So I can be lazy for a bit.

However, one cat is not feeling well. I am not sure what to do because he can't tell me what is wrong. He clearly is not feeling well because he isn't walking much, he's moping, he's not eating, he's not drinking much, and he's just sitting.

He went out Tuesday night (to my displeasure). He did not appear until yesterday late afternoon. He came out and walked around a little bit and went back to sleep near the foundation of the house. I went inside and made him a quiet little space with his food dish, water bowl, litter box, and favorite pillows. Under protest, I brought him in and put him in there. He immediately jumped up on the table so I put his pillows there. He stayed there for a few hours and used his litter box. Then he came back out to the living room and slept on the sofa for a while.

This morning he was sleeping downstairs on the futon. I brought him some water which he didn't appreciate. He did come upstairs to eat a little and then has been sleeping again. He doesn't want attention. He protests when I pat him. He insisted on going back out - I hoped he was going to be a bit more energetic but he's not. He sitting back by the foundation again.

Damn. I think he needs to go to the vet. But at least its not me going to the doctor. He clearly is not feeling well.

I'm Not Unhealthy Enough

As I expected the Social Security Administration does not think I am unhealthy enough to receive disability benefits. I did not expect to be approved the first time I applied. According to them since I can walk and lift up to ten pounds I should get a job. They understand that I have degenerative disk disease, depression, rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia but they are all being treated to a level where I should be able to work.

What they missed is that all of these ailments are treatable but they missed the one that isn't treatable: fatigue. Other than a good night's sleep, which helps me for a good part of the following day, there is not much else you can do for fatigue. I do exercise, which leaves me with good mobility and range of motion, so my body is physically tired to help me sleep. But I rarely sleep all night. And the good mobility and range of motion allows me to move around better than most people with my ailments.

Last night, we had house guests arriving late, I feel asleep on the couch at about 9 until they arrived around 1030. Then after everyone settled down I went to bed and it took me at least an hour to get to sleep. I kept waking up and finally got up around 630. I know I will be tired later but I'm okay for now... until I need to lie down for a few hours this afternoon. Tomorrow I would like to sleep until 9 am but I doubt that will be possible.

Anyway, now I need to file an appeal with Social Security to see if I can eventually receive benefits. As I said, I did not expect to be approved now. I expected it to take up to two years and its only been less than three months. (Proof that the wheels of the government can move at a relatively normal pace.) Now to find a lawyer. I think I have the name of one and will start there.

Its been a long ten years

I used to be a healthy person, really. Those of you who have known me for more than ten years know that. But for the rest of you I need to reassure you I was healthy at one point.

One of the big reasons we are selling our house is that we bought it when I was working full time in Boston. I needed the easy access to the city. I will never work full time again, nor will I ever work in Boston.

We bought this house in February 2005 and moved in. We got married in May and then my health went (I really do not believe that my marriage played any part in my body's decision to go to hell in a hand basket).

That August, I was home alone waiting for my husband to come home from work so we could leave for a long weekend when I started experiencing intense abdominal pain. So painful, it took me ten minutes to reach across the bed to get the phone. My husband had a new office phone which was saved in my cell phone which was far away - across the room - so I just called 911 for an ambulance.

It turned out I had fibroids and one had died off and caused a massive internal infection which put me in the hospital on IV antibiotics and ended up with a hysterectomy and home on medical leave for six weeks.

A year and a half later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer which lead to three surgeries, chemo and radiation. Then my gall bladder was removed. Then my back started hurting. And lymphedema, rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia.

Now I am looking toward to retirement and a healthier body. If that is possible. Could I ever be healthy again?