Reading about terminal cancer

This is not my favorite topic to read about and sometimes I find it very difficult to deal with. I stumbled across this article by Melinda Welsh on how she is dying in a yearish. She has terminal cancer and has been told it will be a year or so, give or take. She is still in treatment and has hopes of a longer time but knows it will be the end, in a yearish.

A yearish is how she translated what her doctors have told her. Its a vague time frame but it has a finality to it as well.

I am also reading a book, As Close As Sisters, about a woman with thyroid cancer, who had cancer cells drift into her lungs after treatment. She is nearing the end as well. I like the way it was worded 'cancer cells drifted' but not the resulting prognosis.

I have to be in the right mood to read about terminal cancer. As cancer metastases are the worst thing any cancer patient wants to hear about from their doctor. I never used to be able to read about cancer deaths. I blogged about books hitting too close to home last week.

The copy of "As Close As Sisters" I have is from the library. I took it out three weeks and two days ago and it is now overdue. It has taken me that long to open it up. I started it at the end of last week and put it down. I opened it again at the gym yesterday and read while on the bike and stepper. I get a solid hour of reading three times a week while at the gym.

I hope to get through it this week but if it gets too much for me, I will put it down for a few days.

Reading about terminal cancer makes me face the reality of what my medical history could become. It makes me face my fears on some levels. Will this make me handle a nasty diagnosis better if it ever happened to me? I don't know. But I'll give it a try.

Some books still hit too close to home

I have always been a bookworm (hiding under the blankets with a flashlight as a child). I read lots of different types of books. After my first cancer diagnosis I found I would have problems with books on young women with life changing medical issues. I would stop reading them, get upset, and put them down. Some I never finished reading.

I have thought I have had this under control from time to time through the years but then again my angst rears its lowly head. I got a pile of books out of the library last week and was looking forward to reading them. I got through one and put it down to move on to the next.

Red alert! I didn't catch the full plot when I read through the blurb in the library. A woman has to figure out how to tell her best friends that she is dying of breast cancer.

I resisted the urge to immaturely throw it across the room and put it down. It sounded like a great book except for that tiny little detail on an impending death from cancer.

I have pet peeves about book reading. For some reason I don't really like books written in the first person but sometimes I will read one. I'm not sure why the first person bugs me but it does.

I don't mind books with highs and lows, emotional tension, or twisting plots. I sometimes wonder what is the real difference between a romance novel and a military novel. Sometimes I think that its just the amounts of lovey dovey mixed in with car chases, shoot outs, or high drama and a few dead bodies.

But its the causes of death which get me. Bullets, poison, large animals don't bother me. But cancer gets me every time.
 
It would be nice if it would someday I could get a handle on that.

I'm reading

Earlier this year the movie, "The Fault In Our Stars" came out. Everyone raved about it. I wasn't sure. I never saw it. But I did sign up in the library to read it. I was something like 453'rd in line to read one of 20 copies.... I figured it would take a very long time.

And Tuesday I got the magic email that finally there was a copy available for me. Tuesday night I downloaded it and started reading. And reading. And reading. I read some more yesterday. And even more last night. Its only 200 pages but I have been busy so I haven't been able to sit down and read for a few hours.

I am most of the way through it at this point. I know what happens at the end essentially so you can't really spoil it for me but I do want to read the rest.

What do I like about it so much? Well the insights into life with cancer. I can relate to lots of them. You know all that stuff that gets donated to cancer patients? They call them Cancer Perks. You know everything from the free hats for bald patients to the autographed sports stuff from athletes.

I love the vocabulary introduced throughout it. Its kind of teenageresque but I can relate. The protagonist (fancy word this early in the day) had thyroid cancer which has made a nice colony in her lungs. If you haven't walked the walk, you may not get it.

But I digress. I plan on finishing it. I may reread it (I have two weeks and I think there are now less than 200 people on the waiting list for one of the 20 copies). And I want to do a little more research. I think the story is somewhat based on a real teenage girl and I want to find out more about the author to see how they managed to write with such insights into cancer land. I might even watch the movie sometime soon.

But in the meantime, I will keep reading and I recommend it for anyone in cancerland.

Medical guidelines discovered

Yesterday, in my usual scouring of the internet for the magic cure for all my ailments, I found an article about variability in cancer treatment and compliance with guidelines. Its an interesting read and how to make sure you are getting the right treatment with second opinions, good insurance coverage (plan ahead), yada yada yada.

And then I asked myself, what guidelines? I have always assumed that some little group of doctors got together and over a few beers put together their guidelines for treatment for each ailment. Little did I know that NCIC provides guidelines for treatment of all cancers. Some of them are even available in patient format - meaning readable in by normal people who did not go to medical school. You can see the treatment guidelines for stage I and II breast cancer here.  And a list for all available patient guidelines by cancer type.

I cannot tell you how cool this is. How often have I wondered about my treatment plan, was it in compliance with guidelines - meaning did it give me the best possible treatment? It was a lot of good reading and I want to review it all.

Then if you go to the link for clinical practice guidelines, at the very bottom of the page is a link to all guidelines which takes you here for even more reading but it quickly becomes a bit technical because it is aimed at doctors. Feel free to start deciphering.

Finally, there was a link to the guidelines for other diseases - meaning not cancer - which are at the National Guideline Clearinghouse. These are uber-cool. I immediately looked up RA and will move on to fibromyalgia shortly.

So do not click the links unless you have a few hours to give yourself reassurance that your treatment plans are correct. They will suck you in quickly. I am going to work an hour late because I got a tiny bit side tracked.

Shallowness has its place

When dealing with the stress, sometimes we resort to the silly side of life and satire. I mean why not? Its coping as best we can.

Shortly after my diagnosis, I read a great book called "Cancer Made Me A Shallower Person" by Miriam Engelberg. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2001 and died from it in 2006. When I read her book in late 2007 or early 2008, I think I threw it across the room when I figured out she died. I was mad. I was not ready for sad endings.

In the six plus years since I have often thought of this book and how I should give it a second chance. It was the first graphic novel I read so perhaps that is part of my response to it. Now, I just read this blog post on the New York Times Well section, living with cancer, Living with Cancer: "Chronic not Cured". Now I think it will read it again. I hope the library still has a copy.