How Long Do I Have?

When we are first diagnosed with cancer, one of the first questions we ask is 'how long do I have?' We assume/hope/pretend we will beat our cancer and live a long life. But for me, the little voice inside has always asked 'will I live a long time after the beating my body has taken, mostly due to cancer treatment?'

With two cancer diagnoses behind me, I have wondered how long I will live. My family mostly lives into their 80s, my parents are currently 86 and 88, my maternal grandmother lived to 96. I have always thought I will make it a while longer, being very indeterminate. I don't think I am dying anytime soon.

My body is not what we call 'in good shape'. I have aches and pains all the time, as well as arching pains across my back, twinging hips, throbbing knees. All of this wears on my body. It has gotten me concerned.

I am currently 35 years from a thyroid cancer diagnosis and 9 years from a breast cancer diagnosis. But today I read about a woman who is 50 years from her breast cancer diagnosis. She was diagnosed at age 29 in 1966. Now she is 79 and still here.

That is very encouraging. I really hope to make it 50 years after both cancer diagnoses. I have 15 and 41 years go to. I am not sure if that 41 years is doable for me but I wouldn't mind.

So I hope you are also encouraged by this as I am. With a breast cancer diagnosis, we deal with surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, and more. Our bodies are stressed and strained. But now we have a hero to look up to. If she can do it, so can we.

Has A Cancer Diagnosis Changed How You Think?

I was reading over at KatyDid Cancer that she turned 41. After being diagnosed with breast cancer before 35 she was never sure she would get to 40, or 41. (But now she is thinking 50.)

This made me think. How do I think about how long I will live? And how would I think differently about how long I would live if I had never had cancer?

At 19 (and invincible) I had no thought of how long I would live. Because I was barely an adult and between my freshman and sophomore years of college. And longevity was the last thing on my mind. I just assumed it would be shorter than without cancer.

At 45 I was more responsible and married with a second diagnosis. The thought of how long I would live definitely popped up again. But what was most concerning was how would I have thought differently if I had never had cancer? I have struggled with this one: how had my life been impacted by cancer which was something I never wanted. 

During the intervening years my thought processes had changed of course. But how would I have thought different if I never had cancer? I never really had a chance to be an adult without cancer so I have no idea on what I would have thought.

But since I can not undo the past, I have to settle with my current thoughts. Which doesn't give me any good answers.

Being Open About Cancer

Here's a question: how open are you about your cancer diagnosis? I realize this is a matter of choice. I think of myself as being fairly open about talking about my cancers, but it took me until my second diagnosis to learn to talk openly about it. But I never mention it with  new people unless I am in a cancer 'situation' such as at a cancer patient event.

I think learning to talk to your cancer diagnosis is part of learning to accept it. (Remember those five stages of acceptance???) But as a result of seeing friends run for the hills at the word 'cancer', many of us learn to keep quiet about it.

Last week, my husband and I came to the realization that our lawn is not going to mow itself and we need a new lawn mower. I started doing some research and shopping online to get some ideas of what we want/need.

I decided if I am going to be able to do anything about mowing the lawn, it has to be easy to use. Self propelled is a must for both of us - our lawn is on a hill. An electric start means I could actually start it myself. There are many things I cannot do around the house because of my health so if there is a possibility I could help with anything, I try to make it possible.

So I started doing my research and looking for what is available with the features we want vs. the ones we can afford and found this in a real Troy Built mower review at Lowes:

"I used to use a Troy Built push mower, but when I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and started chemo, I began to lose the strength I needed to do my entire lawn with my push mower.
I decided to buy the Troy Built electric start self propelled mower.
Just let me say, I can now mow my entire lawn with strength to spare"

I was quite taken aback by this. I mean how many people would include their cancer diagnosis in a lawn mower review? If I had written it, I would probably have said "but when I was diagnosed with significant health issues and its treatment caused me to lose strength...." or something along those lines.

Anyway, I brought this up with a group of friends with cancer and asked them how open they are about their cancer diagnosis and what they think of this guy putting it in a lawn mower review. There were some snickers and then we decided:

1. None of us would have ever put their cancer diagnosis in a product review, much less a lawn mower one.
2. It must partly be due to the fact that it was a man who was probably less sensitive on his medical issues. (Not to be sexist but men tend to be more open and less concerned with the responses to what they say than women.)

We did agree that it really depends on the situation and who we are with on how open we might be. But how open are you about your cancer diagnosis?

About That Positive Attitude

Having a positive attitude with a bad diagnosis can be like putting lipstick on a pig.

The pinkification of breast cancer includes that perky little attitude with perfect make up and a big smile. Sorry but some days I just don't feel that way. I read this article about how the positive attitude requirement of breast cancer or other icky diagnosis can lead to a feeling of guilt. Um, yup.

Cancer (and other icky diseases) bring a whole range of emotions and some days, especially during chemo, a positive attitude can be fleeting. Or just not there if you are working on keeping your lunch down again. And after treatment its the same thing. And, as I said, its not just with cancer, but any crappy diagnosis, a positive attitude doesn't always happen.

I can tell you that my positive attitude can be virtually non-existent many days. Sometimes people ask me how do I do it. I think what are they talking about? I am just going through my life and putting one (aching) foot in front of the other (aching foot). Please don't tell me you are amazed by that. I'm not amazed. I'm just getting through my day.

The ever knowing 'them' tell us to keep our positive attitude. It will help us get through treatment better, prevent depression, and make us better people. Well, lah-di-dah, I try but I'm not going all out.

And if I am so happy and perky, what happens when I lose a friend or my next scan isn't as hoped? I'm not going to be so perky am I? And maybe I'm not going to be so happy. I might even feel a little guilt about my lost friend. And more guilt about a bad scan. What did I do wrong? Why did this happen to my friend?

That so-called required positive attitude can be a pain in the butt. I know it takes drugs and therapy to get through life sometimes.