The Cancer Balance

Do you ever wonder if you are focusing too much on the cancer in your life? Or too little? Before a cancer diagnosis, cancer probably occupies a little tiny corner of your brain.

After a cancer diagnosis, it takes up all but the little tiny corner of your brain required to do basic things like eat and sleep at minimal levels. After the initial stress, cancer-brain occupation slowly settles down to a somewhat manageable level as basic human demands for survival kick in - like thinking semi-logically.

Eventually you get to a bit more of an even keel so you get through life, after therapy, support groups, or whatever. Then life goes on, if cancer doesn't return, and you get some more of your brain capacity back and begin to think about life around you again.

So now, I wonder if I am thinking too little about cancer? Because I do not allow it to fill my brain all the time. Should I allow myself to think about cancer more?

Now that I have this knitting group with other women with cancer at the cancer support center, I feel like I am back in a support group sometimes. We have conversations about the ups and downs of diagnosis and treatment along with all sorts of related issues. I kind of like that part.

But it makes me wonder if I should be thinking (pondering) cancer more? I like being sort of back to my regular life without the cancer domination. As cancer is part of my life, should I be dwelling on it more?

Maybe I am still just learning how to balance cancer in my life.

Progress

My life is progressing nicely I should say. I am doing okay for once. I just got my latest blood work done and most everything is about as expected. I do feel some RA progression and have a dr apt next week to discuss what's next.

I have painted some more walls in our house. Eventually I think every wall will be painted. Right now I have done 1 bathroom, the walls on the stairs, and half our bedroom. That means I have a lot left to go but I like the progress I have made.

Back in February I blogged about starting a knitting group at a local cancer center. The first meeting I showed up at 1pm because originally we had said 1 pm, but it was switched to 1:30 pm. And there were two other people waiting for the start when I got there. Then more people showed up and we ended up with seven people the first week. It was also supposed to meet every other week. Participants requested meeting weekly and asked if we could stay later. So we will just say that it is very successful. And the best part is that one other woman who attends is an madly amazing knitter and she can help more people that I can.

Finally, I haven't had a doctor appointment in more than three weeks - a very rare occurrence. However next week I have three doctor appointments to compensate. Back to reality I guess.

Am I Out Of My Mind?

When I was a child, between home ec (remember that class?), 4-H and girl scouts, I learned to knit, crochet, sew, embroider, and a bunch of other kinds of needlework. Then when I was in chemo, a friend, who was sick of me calling her to whine, informed me I needed a hobby. (You know who you are JB!!) That lead to a yarn addiction which lead to craft shows which has now lead me to be totally out of my mind.

I have volunteered. (My husband has another word for 'volunteer'). I have suggested and it was agreed that I will start a needlework/knitting group at a local cancer support center every two weeks. WHAT WAS I THINKING!?!?!?!?!

Actually, knitting and crocheting helped me immensely during and after chemo. Now I can share that with others. There are lots of studies out which say that crochet, knitting, and other needlework can be as beneficial as meditation. I find meditation boring but I really enjoy knitting.

With all knitting groups I've attended, you knit and chat. Since this is at a cancer center, I am sure our conversations will include neuropathy and how it 'helps' our needlework in addition to 'discussing' our cancer experiences.

The group doesn't start until March and will run for a three month trial period so I will see how it goes. (I really hope it goes well.) Because its organized through the cancer center, someone else will take care of the finding people, keeping track of people, and scheduling. All I have to do is show up and help it get started (I think). Maybe someone else can help me with my crochet skills (which have room for improvement).

Stress

I hate stress. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep recently. Why? Stress. We are house hunting. We actually have sold our house and have just over two months, preferably less, before we have to be out of our house. And today starts craft show season where I am busy every weekend now through mid December.

And house hunting is no fun. We sold our house quite quickly. We haven't found a house to buy. Well we have made several offers - we lost the first one because they misled us and let us think they had other offers in. Then they wanted to keep taking other offers until we sold our house. The next house had an accepted offer in by the time we got ours in - two days after it went on the market. The third house seller actually went with another offer, even though we think ours was higher.

Last weekend we thought we found 'the' house. We made an offer which was accepted. We had a home inspection and found that house has so many problems its barely livable. The minor stuff mold in the attic, failing lolly columns which support the first floor, and a completely rotted out back wall that needs to be replaced. All are significant safety issues so we said no. (And now the house is back on the market with no mention of any of the issues.)

Yesterday we found another house. We are making an offer. We have our fingers crossed. And the stress goes on.

At least its not medical stress. Well there is some of that as well as my knee doctor has told me I am not a good candidate for ACL repair surgery because of my RA. We are in 'wait and see'  mode for another few months.

What were we thinking?

We had a 'great' idea to move. Now that our house is almost ready to go on the market we are packing like mad. Everything is going into boxes to depersonalize the house. Which means we cannot find anything.

Including the big bin of all the knitting projects I did last winter, spring and, summer for craft shows this fall. All the stuff I got ready is now missing. Its lost. Totally.

We started unpacking the pod in the driveway. I even climbed up on top of all the boxes with a flashlight to see if I could the missing bin. My only hope is that we get a new house and move in so we unpack and I can find it. Otherwise, I have to start knitting like mad to make more stuff to sell.

I have been looking at pictures of houses for sale on line and look how empty they are. I have no idea how we are going to do that. I have friends who are coming over to help pack. Including one friend who has weeded and mulched all the gardens. I only got hurt once so far, when I fell over the bags of mulch yesterday. I have a booboo on my elbow from landing on the cement patio but do not feel any other damage (which is a good thing because I can't deal with any more issues right now).

But really, what were we thinking? Moving sucks.

What I needed

I originally was going to work yesterday, today and tomorrow this week. But because of office renovations and some home improvement that was supposed to start yesterday, I changed my schedule to Wednesday, Thursday, Friday with Monday and Tuesday at home. (Actually my boss told me Friday not to come in until Wednesday because of the office renovations. And then he called me yesterday to see if I was coming in because he needed me for something. But that's another story.)

Monday I was moderately productive. I went to the gym. I got some work done. I cleaned up the house a bit (for the cleaning lady).

Yesterday, Tuesday, I thought about doing a lot of different things. This is what I did accomplish. I was very lazy.

• I watched probably six episodes of Criminal Minds (the first six to be precise).
• I got some knitting done. I have a craft show in September and want to be sure I have enough non-cold weather items done.
• I sat on the couch and played with the cats.
• I talked to the mason when he showed up.
• I cooked dinner.
• I made a big mess.

But I did nothing productive otherwise. I didn't do any gardening. I didn't go for a walk. I didn't run errands. I barely left the house. And I am glad I did. I was home by myself all day with the cats and enjoyed it. Except for the big mess. Here it is.

I was trying to find some yarn and organize it. And there is more yarn in the basement.

Your brain on creativity

I have blogged this before that during chemo a friend told me I needed a hobby and I took up knitting and crocheting. That was the fall of 2007. I have since made scarves for almost everyone I know and even ventured into craft shows where I sell my wares at the holiday season. I have become a yarn junkie and am a member of SABLE (Stash Acquired Beyond Life Expectancy).

I have come to like knitting and crocheting a lot. I like to learn new techniques and create different items. I might even make a hat this year.When I feel like crap and not into doing much of anything, I sit and knit and it relaxes me.

Now I have proof on its benefits. Yes there are health benefits to knitting and other crafts. I'm not sure why it took so long for people to figure things out.

"Crafting can help those who suffer from anxiety, depression or chronic pain, experts say. It may also ease stress, increase happiness and protect the brain from damage caused by aging."

Basically when you are stressed, your brain is in the fight or flight mode. It doesn't distinguish between kinds of stress -  another chemo infusion or another PET scan or, to quote the article, a bear attack. But the brain can only process so much information so when you knit/craft, your brain focuses on the repetitive activity and your body relaxes. Here's the fancy stuff:

"Our nervous system is only capable of processing a certain amount of information at a time, he explains. That's why you can't listen and understand two people who are talking to you at once. So when someone starts creating, his existence outside that activity becomes "temporarily suspended."...

...The effects of flow are similar to those of meditation, says occupational therapist Victoria Schindler. Science has shown meditation can, among other things, reduce stress and fight inflammation.

Our bodies are in a constant state of stress because our brain can't tell the difference between an upcoming meeting with the boss and an upcoming bear attack, Schindler says. The repetitive motions of knitting, for example, activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which quiets that "fight or flight" response."

So I am happy to keep on knitting and selling my wares. And now I know that  its helping me in more ways than I expected.