Stand by your patient

Nothing rips apart a relationship like an icky medical diagnosis. First you have to deal with your so called 'friends' who head for the hills at the first sign of anything yucky, especially the word 'cancer'. They are not your friends. Forget about them.

Then you have friends and family who obsess about your ailment and call and email constantly for the latest worst of wisdom imparted by your medical team. They often offer their 'advice' in return saying things like 'I can't understand why your doctor hasn't given you [insert the name of the treatment given to their neighbor's dog walker's cousin's hair dresser when they had a completely different diagnosis fifteen years ago]. They also want to know every time you have the least minor issue so they can be 'informed' about how you are doing. You have no idea why they need to know so much and what they are doing with all this information but feel invaded by their constant barrage of inquiries. Again, they are not really your friend either.

The people who are your friends are the ones who stop by and visit, call and just listen, and treat you like a human being, while you are trying not to lose your lunch after your latest infusion. Hang out with these people.

Finally, you have the person closest to you: your spouse/partner/best friend. Too many people find themselves suddenly single after a cancer diagnosis, in particular. I know we had our ups and downs with my breast cancer diagnosis. But I can't tell you how many friends have spoken of their spouse's lack of support, or even departure.

My husband has been wonderful. For the last three years, he has given me my weekly injections for Rheumatoid Arthritis, because I cannot deal with the idea of giving myself a shot. He accompanied me to most of my doctor appointments after my breast cancer diagnosis, where he was allowed to see everything other than my weight and any pelvic exams. He came with me to every chemo infusion where we played scrabble during the infusions (and he would delight in winning when the drugs kicked in and I could only form two letter words). He only stopped going with me when I insisted he couldn't keep missing work for weekly infusions. Now he will go with me to any medical appointment I request him to.

Unfortunately I have friends who are forced to go to difficult appointments alone or are forced to find rides for infusions or other times when they are not in shape to drive. Their partners find excuses as to why they can't help out. Or have left them completely to cope alone with bad medical news and the accompanying job loss and reduced income.

All I can say if you have a friend or partner coping with a medical disaster, don't walk away from them. If you have problems emotionally coping with their medical problems, please do not leave but try to face your concerns and become a better you. Its you who has the problem not them.

Living with in 'The Rule'

We have many not necessarily rules but guidelines and considerations by which we, my husband and I, live. There are the basics, I cook and he cleans up the kitchen. I do laundry and he carries it up and down the stairs. We are generally considerate to each other (except when we choose to annoy one another). And all sorts of other basics that help us live together peacefully for the most part.

However as my health has done its downward spiral, my husband has created 'The Rule'. It is a rule by which I am required to live. It actually has a lot of common sense built into it (so may be he is being smart here). 'The Rule' states that Caroline is not allowed to plan more than one event per day. This means I can't go to the beach and then go out to dinner the same evening. Or I can't go to a day long event and then go out in the evening. I need to plan accordingly.

The reason for creating the rule is to avoid crabbiness. For some reason, he doesn't like it when I get crabby. I just can't understand (insert smirk here).

I have come to realize that this is really about as much as I can do. I look at my calendar each month, I plan accordingly. I work three days a week and shift it around to accommodate doctor appointments and other events. I also go to the gym three days a week. If I work and then go to the gym, while technically being two events, I am okay but I really can't go out that night.

So today I am being sneaky. I met one friend for lunch about half an hour away and then another friend is coming over for dinner. this did not register with my husband as much because he didn't come with me to meet the first friend. So I am sneaking in the second event. But I am lying down now. Everything is ready but making the salad. But I am tired (don't tell him that). I will go to bed as soon as she leaves which won't be late because we have called it an early dinner.

Tomorrow work and then the gym. Tuesday work and the grocery store and to see my parents. Wednesday work and the gym. And so my week goes on. But I will heed the rule as best I can. I don't like being crabby any more than he does.

I am in a cranky mood

I don't know if cranky is the right word. I feel guilt ridden and stressed for not getting into work when I said I would. I hate not keeping my promises on when I would get things done. There was a blizzard which is a good reason but I have a huge pile of work to do and am behind. It didn't help that I was sick before Christmas as well and missed time. I need to get into work and get a lot done before I will feel better. Its frustrating.

I feel stuck inside because of the little tiny blizzard. I went to go shovel out the front walk just to get outside yesterday. I told my husband I was going to brush the snow off the cars with a broom but I also grabbed a shovel to clear the front walk. Ten minutes and my back hurt and I was back inside for the day with an ice pack.

A friend was talking about snow shoeing on Sunday. I can't really snow shoe. I tried last winter. I walked up and down our street (which has five houses total) to take pictures of the snow and that was enough. I used to be able to snow shoe.

She thought I should be able to snow shoe because I can walk. But the weight of the snow shoes on my back are very different. (She means well but is also someone who keeps asking when my back will be better.) See I am cranky. I'm complaining about my friends. I don't usually do that but I am aggravated, cranky, guilt ridden, stress filled, etc.

I feel fat because I have eaten all sorts of bad things through the holidays. Everything from big family meals with dessert to candies and chocolates and meals out. The scale is saying bad things to me. I was trying to be very good about eating before the holidays but I blew all that. I am back on Lyrica which is helping my fibromyalgia but has that lovely weight gain side effect.

Further proof of my crankiness is that I read this blog post on one week of junk food could damage your memory and left a cranky comment. (I went back and deleted the comment because I decided it was rude.) At this point in my current mood, I couldn't care less about eating healthy.

But today I am doing things differently. I am going to the gym this morning. My husband and I are going Christmas shopping this afternoon - looking for decorations on sale. We are having a healthy stir fry dinner tonight with rice noodles and chicken. Without dessert. Tomorrow we will go see The Hobbit part 2 in 3D. Quality time  with my husband always makes me feel better.