I Am Feeling Stressed

I didn't blog yesterday and am a little late today because I hadn't really decided what was going on with me. Finally (call me slow if you want) I decided I am feeling stressed. And I am beginning to figure out why I am so stressed. I have a lot going on. Nothing major medically but just too much stress for me.

Last month, in the spirit of doing something good, I decided to convince my husband we need to adopt a third cat. As soon as I asked about where are the good local shelters someone offered me her two cats that she needed to get rid of (because her son was moving home with his dog who didn't get along with the cats). [Maybe the son shouldn't have been allowed to bring his dog home.... but its not my house so I kept my mouth shut.]

We waited until we got back from vacation and picked them up a week ago Sunday. When we went to pick them up my husband said 'you are making a mistake' but I still thought I was doing something good.

They were two incredibly obese orange tabbies that had been locked into an unfinished room in the basement without windows for 'several weeks'. They were not in good shape. I still thought I was doing something good.

We brought them home and put them into a separate room and I put them on diet food. Except Sunday afternoon we had two cats. Monday we only had two cats for a brief period of time in the afternoon. Tuesday afternoon we had two cats for about 5 minutes. This Sunday morning, after reporting a lost cat to animal control, we then had two cats again at about 4 am. We also had two cats for about 30 seconds at 5 am this morning. One of them (I think its Jake not Ginger), can jump over the baby gate we have keeping them in a separate room. He keeps hiding in the basement (we think).

This morning I found someone had pooped on the laundry room floor and someone else had tossed their cookies on the rug in the finished part of the basement. I decided that's it. They have to go back. We took them conditionally - if WW III broke out in our house, they had to go back. Right now we have four cats who keep hissing and growling at us and each other. I can't take it.

Ginger (or whichever is not lost living in the basement) meows all the time when he is hungry - which is all the time because he is on a diet. He keeps me up. (Who names a boy cat Ginger anyway?) If I close the door to either his room or our room, I can still hear him meow. I don't sleep well because of my pain levels and other health issues anyway. And if one cat is not meowing, another one is, or growling, or hissing at each other and having a 'conversation' that keeps me awake.

I really wanted to do a good thing but I can't do this one. I need to take them back asap. Like this afternoon. I am getting rid of one today around 6pm. I just have to find the other one so I can take them both back.

I do feel guilt. But I also believe that I need to take better care of myself. I felt my stress level go down after I made the decision. I called my husband and he is okay with my decision (and is probably telling me that I was making a mistake in the first place.

I am not in the position to do good deeds until I am in a better place with my place (in a few thousand light years).

Sometimes I Feel I Am Being Lazy

I run into the problem that I feel like I am being lazy because I don't do much during the day often. Yesterday afternoon I felt I should have been doing more than just sit around most of the time. But I really was not up to more. Yesterday I did not have a good day. My right hip and spine were giving me so much pain I spent the afternoon doing a lot of nothing. I even used the drive through at Walgreens to pick up my prescriptions so I didn't have to walk through the store. Maybe I should have taken fewer books out of the library.

I was also really tired from having fun. I think I got about 10 hours of sleep last night. I was also exhausted. Completely exhausted. I need to do a lot more 'laziness' today and try to be productive while not moving around and recovering.

Today I am doing my usual Tuesday schedule which means I have nothing planned. I have to finish doing the laundry but I also need to rest. Usually on Tuesdays I have time to start projects that I can finish over the next few weeks. I think this week I will not start any projects. I will watch my garden grow as I do laundry and a lot of nothing.

And try not to feel lazy. But I need to be lazy. Its called 'recovering'.

About That Positive Attitude

Having a positive attitude with a bad diagnosis can be like putting lipstick on a pig.

The pinkification of breast cancer includes that perky little attitude with perfect make up and a big smile. Sorry but some days I just don't feel that way. I read this article about how the positive attitude requirement of breast cancer or other icky diagnosis can lead to a feeling of guilt. Um, yup.

Cancer (and other icky diseases) bring a whole range of emotions and some days, especially during chemo, a positive attitude can be fleeting. Or just not there if you are working on keeping your lunch down again. And after treatment its the same thing. And, as I said, its not just with cancer, but any crappy diagnosis, a positive attitude doesn't always happen.

I can tell you that my positive attitude can be virtually non-existent many days. Sometimes people ask me how do I do it. I think what are they talking about? I am just going through my life and putting one (aching) foot in front of the other (aching foot). Please don't tell me you are amazed by that. I'm not amazed. I'm just getting through my day.

The ever knowing 'them' tell us to keep our positive attitude. It will help us get through treatment better, prevent depression, and make us better people. Well, lah-di-dah, I try but I'm not going all out.

And if I am so happy and perky, what happens when I lose a friend or my next scan isn't as hoped? I'm not going to be so perky am I? And maybe I'm not going to be so happy. I might even feel a little guilt about my lost friend. And more guilt about a bad scan. What did I do wrong? Why did this happen to my friend?

That so-called required positive attitude can be a pain in the butt. I know it takes drugs and therapy to get through life sometimes.