Sometimes We Just Don't Care Anymore

Yesterday I ran into a friend and we chatted for a while. I have been dealing with my usual ups and downs health wise and some emotional crap. She has also been through a round of health stuff and emotional stuff. We caught up on the most important things going on in our lives for a few minutes and touched on some of the items we have been coping with. We both said sometimes we just don't care anymore.

Call it being overwhelmed. Call it whatever you want. But we just don't care. As a professional patient, sometimes you get so inundated that you really don't give a s**t about anything. Coping with our lives gets so complicated that we just don't care, unless there was something near term fatal, there is nothing that is that important.

I have my annual physical this week and we will talk about my back pains and maybe I should have more imaging on it. Maybe I should have a lot more imaging and testing but I really don't want it now. Unless my doctor tells me I need immediate treatment for something so I don't die, I'm happy to wait. I have so many ailments that how can I have anything more?

My friend, who also has gone through her own personal roller coaster, agreed with me. Right now, she only wants to take a couple vacations and doesn't want to think about emotional or health issues for a while. After she does some travelling, we are going to get together at the end of October for coffee to catch up. Maybe by then we both will care about things again.

Not A Good Idea

Yesterday, I decided I really wasn't feeling well and stayed home with Boots who is not feeling well either. I really wasn't feeling well. Everything ached and I was tired. Not a good day. My husband went off to work around 7 and left us both home (with the other healthy cat) for the day until 5 pm.

So I took care of myself by not exerting myself. I allowed myself to be lazy and have my body aches and pains and fatigue dictate what I did.

The sum total of what I did yesterday consists of watching 3 LMN movies, 2 episodes of Law & Order, and one episode of Property Brothers. I also set up my loom and started weaving with some beautiful chenille yarn. I also went outside to get the mail from the end of the driveway and supervise Boots when he went out for about 30 minutes. Not a lot of exertion.

Boots hung out with me. He went from room to room with me. He did insist on going out briefly (he hates litter boxes and prefers the great outdoors) but came right back in.

By the end of the day I felt a little better. I definitely had not exerted myself. But, and then comes the big 'but'.

On the downside, by staying home and not doing much, I felt totally isolated by the end of the day. I am not up to doing that regularly. I felt cut off from the world. I didn't talk on the phone to friends but had several email and text conversations. I also took care of some things I needed to do on the phone and online.

However, I could not live like that every day. I mean I physically could but would need to get more exercise. But mentally and emotionally, it would be horrible for me. I could see myself getting very depressed quite easily. And if I got deeply depressed that would have all sorts of bad ramifications that I won't even go into here. I am already being treated for 'post cancer' depression - which really should be 'my body fell apart before I was ready' depression.

I am going to call yesterday a learning experience. And one not to be repeated unless I am completely incapacitated and not expected to survive. This also reinforces to me the importance of one's emotional/mental state as compared to your physical state. They are both equally important.

Today, I am going to make sure I do get out and do things. It help that my husband is home. I think I might even go to the gym because I didn't yesterday.

Managing Emotions

This week I read two different blog posts from other women dealing with breast cancer - Nancy wrote about cancer patients being told to be positive and Florence wrote about the crappy and the happy we deal with in our lives. After reading them, I commented on both. And then started thinking (sorry!).

First of all we have the issue of cancer patients being told to be positive. Honestly, whoever came up with this was an idiot. There is something to be said for not succumbing to depression while dealing with a medical disaster. If you are depressed, you aren't going to take your meds, go to the doctor, get emotional support. But if you are trying to stay positive you will probably handle it better. However, don't tell me to be positive and smile.... Grrr....

Then we have the issue of coping with the crappy and the happy. Everyone gets a load of crappy in their life and a load of happy. But its how we handle it all. We have to learn to balance the bad with the good and look at the goals for the long haul and take enjoyment out of what we have.

Even without adding in a medical roller coaster along with everything else, it can be tough to maintain one's sanity and be able to smile once in a while. Its that medical crap that can screw everything up. All of a sudden you can't work, you have problems getting around and paying your bills. And you are supposed to smile? Don't tell me to be positive on top of all that. I will work on being able to keep a smile on without your help.

I think I just don't like being told what to do.

Resentment

Among all the other emotions for a cancer patient is resentment. First there is the resentment of why me? But the biggest problem is the resentment of others.

Why did X turn their back on me when I was diagnosed with cancer after all our years of friendship? This one is very common. I have lost more friends at the word cancer than I care to count. I hope they think they are better off without me and I certainly know I am better off without them. But it took a long time to get that way. There are numerous iterations of this passed around among cancer patients. We all have this happen to us.

But the bigger resentment comes when key family members, who we have relied on our whole lives for support, hide information about our diagnoses from us. Yes this happens.

I met a woman about five years ago. She was diagnosed with thyroid cancer when she was 18. Her parents never told her that she was diagnosed with cancer. As a result she never had any follow up treatment after cancer and experienced numerous recurrences and their treatments for decades. Her parents were scared of the word cancer and didn't want to admit it had happened to their family.

I know another woman who was diagnosed at age 20 with cancer. Her mother never told her. Her sister never told her. Her best friend never told her. Can you believe it? And her mother since passed away before she had a chance to come to grips with this. Her friends and family did not feel she was emotionally able to cope with her diagnosis.

I know someone else who's family were with her through her cancer diagnosis but never discussed it. For decades. It was sort of put to the side and was and is the elephant in the room that is never spoken of. How does that sound? How do you face your family when they do not choose to discuss your health for decades?

This kind of resentment festers and lingers. Its a huge emotional load for a cancer patient to deal with along side of life long health issues, side effects, and emotional drain.