That Biceps Tendon

Sunday morning I woke up with a sore left shoulder. I have no idea what happened. I sucked it up for a few days but yesterday when I tried to pick up something up with my left hand and it just gave way. I am not going to the doctor for this. But I did ask one of the physical therapists at the gym. After pushing on a sore place on my shoulder he diagnosed it as a strained biceps tendon. (He said it was very strained based on how sore it was.)

I do not need any other ailments. But this should go away in a week or so, or so he thinks. However knowing my body it will last for a while. I will try to keep my cynical side in check while it heals. And I have some new exercises at the gym to help heal.

The "Doh' Factor

I read a blog post this morning on the National Pain Report that came from another blogger. She wrote about wondering why researchers waste their time on the obvious? A research report that says 'fibromyalgia causes pain' or 'breast cancer can be found in men as well as women' or some other stupid blatantly obvious answer is a complete waste of time and money. When the answer is basically 'doh'. It was a waste.

Donna sums up her post by stating that research should focus on two questions, and two questions only:

• What causes fibromyalgia?
• And more importantly, how do I get rid of it?

And just switch that word 'fibromyalgia' with the word of your choice - breast cancer, thyroid cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, degenerating disks are my choices. But you get the point.

My inbox is filled with the latest in medical research. And so often, I just wonder why they even bothered with the study. The results don't seem to tell me much and often only confirm what is previously known. I know if research discovers something they need to confirm it with multiple tests. But they don't need to announce it every time. 

Seriously, just give me the cause of my ailments and tell me how to make them go away. Thats enough for today. I am awfully cynical this morning. Maybe its because I have been up since 2:00 am (thank you fibromyalgia for giving me insomnia too).

Its a bad neighborhood

So I follow cancer research because I do hope for a cure one day.... what I have learned in the past is that scientists have believed that a single cancer cell would make it to a different part of your body and then start a new tumor. (Those were the evil cells.)

Now there is a new theory, that a group of cancer cells located together then grow into a tumor (known as a metastasis which none of us want). I can relate to this new theory. A single cell isn't a bad guy. Its when the rest of them are bad, they have nothing to do but hang out together and spread their evilness around your body. Like hanging out in a bad neighborhood.

I had never really thought about what the environment of a tumor cell would have to do with the growth of cancer until I had Dr Susan Love talk back about five or so years ago. She had discussed that new research then was interested in the neighborhood a bad cancer cell was in, not just the cell itself. This new research seems to show that train of thinking has been subject to research and now is showing more answers.

So now I must have a stern talking to with any cancer cells that may be hanging out in my body and tell them to stay away from each other. I am sure that will prevent any recurrence.....

Warning: A Cynical Post

They, the infamous, all-knowing 'them', say that after a cancer diagnosis, in one year you will reach your 'new normal'. As I have said before, the whole new normal thing is bogus and not worth seeking because it doesn't exist.

And its not after a year either. That year concept is wrong. First of all, your treatment may not end in a year. You are forever changed and even if your body returns to something resembling your previous body, your mind has been irreparably scarred. At every doctor appointment or test or scan for the rest of your life there is that evil little voice that says 'what if....'. It also shows up in the middle of the night when you can't sleep, or it wakes you up.

Also there are the people, like me, who find that after that cancer diagnosis, your body continues to rebel and send you down the never ending medical spiral of more ailments. While in chemo, in addition to growing a benign breast tumor, my gall bladder developed gall stones (a completely separate ailment) which led to surgery. Other people I know have developed cardio issues and other treatment side effects. And the women who chose reconstruction face additional surgeries. Never mind all the people who suffer from significant side effects from treatment and surgeries.

I am lying in bed this morning, waiting to take the (damn) cats to the (damn) vet. They are sleeping peacefully next to me but I know at the first sign of the dreaded carriers, I will be faced with the game of 'chase' with me chasing them so I can stuff them in their carriers. Full carriers are hard for me to pick up and carry to the car. When I arrive at the vet it will take two trips to get them inside. But they need their physicals and shots and exams (which they will hate). When we come home they will hate me. And my back will be killing me.

And I hate it that my body no longer allows me to do all the basic things in life that I used to be able to do. I am frustrated with my pudgy body that makes that is difficult to lose weight.

Yesterday I finally finished the latest request for information for my SS Disability application which includes asking me about how my ailments have changed my life from before when I was sort of healthy to after when I can only when I can watch everything I used to like or that used to be easy for me that are now a struggle. I really do not need reminders of the things that I can no longer do.

Pause. Deep breath.

Sometimes my inner cynical b*tch comes through and needs to vent. Maybe this is why I need therapy to cope.

Sympathetic or Over Sensitive?

When you were diagnosed with cancer, didn't other people with cancer come crawling out of the woodwork? You met all these people to talk to about cancer and help you through your diagnosis and treatment.  You got diagnosed so you can talk to other people in cancerland. That is fine, actually pretty cool. Its actually nice to bond with people who are coping or have coped with the surgeries, chemo, radiation and all that other 'fun' stuff.

But then, if someone you know knows someone else who was diagnosed with cancer, do you feel like they rush to tell you about it? Or are they asking questions of you to help their friend? Or are you just being hypersensitive?

I remember when I was in college a couple of years after my thyroid cancer diagnosis, a guy I knew was diagnosed with cancer. He was brought to a party by a mutual friend who brought him over to me so we could talk. He had a late stage brain cancer, only lived a few months longer, and was in a wheelchair. It was actually great to get to know him better but a very sad conversation.

Afterwards I started thinking (which I should never do, I know) and almost felt like I was expected to talk to him because we both had cancer so therefore we must know each other and be friends. Even though our cancers were completely different on all levels.

Since my breast cancer diagnosis, I have been more open about my medical history and talk to people all over all the time about cancer and other medical issues. I am happy to talking as many people who want to talk to me about medical crap (all cancer is crap).

I had a nightmare dream last night that I met up with an old friend from college (who's brother was married to someone I went to high school with) who was going out for a big dinner an hour before his last hope surgery for lung cancer at a time when I was also hospitalized. In my dream, I felt very stressed about my old friend (who was a melange of a bunch of old friends) being so sick and running out of options when I was hospitalized only for a minor issue and went home the next day. (And who goes out for dinner before surgery?)

When I woke up I felt I had been very put upon my by high school friend and her husband because I had cancer I was supposed to be the 'caretaker' of the sick friend. Then I started thinking about it (I promise I will try to stop thinking as much):

- am I the good sympathetic resident of cancerland; or,
- am I becoming oversensitive to the 'friend of a friend of a friend who was just diagnosed with cancer'; or,
- am I becoming a cynic about all medical crap?

That awareness thing

Am I the only one on the planet who thinks we do not need more awareness of different cancer types? I mean yes there are some really obscure ones that need awareness and more treatment as well as metastatic cancer definitely needs more options. But really, do we really need an unending calendar of fashion shows, races, walks, and other events?

I may be cynical but I think most of us are too aware of cancer these days. Or is it just me because it has been part of my life for so long?