Changes

Lots have changed in the last 24 hours. I am in a better place. Physically we returned home this morning. A few days early for the same reasons as last year. I had issues with family members, my sister to be exact. Is it me? I don't know. I will talk to my therapist about this. I don't like it when this happens. I just feel like I'm stuck in 'Ground Hog Day' with my sister. But one thing I do know is that we will not be back next year.

How bad was it? My sister pulled her usual passive-aggressive crap. After yelling at me because my brother and I made a decision to go to the big museum from the house museum we were at so we would actually have some time there because it was getting late. It was my fault because I actually thought to call her and tell her we were leaving. I thought I was being considerate. That was the start

When we came home I was physically exhausted and ended up sleeping for a couple of hours. I woke up just before 7 pm and hoped that someone else had actually started dinner. It was not the case. My brother had gone for a short walk. My sister had organized her nail polish. My husband and brother eventually kicked me out of the kitchen and finished cooking dinner and sent my grumpy-self away.

Finally dinner was ready. My sister showed up at the table late (so we had to wait for her) to eat. Then she insisted that she have a special water glass that she had to get herself and she couldn't use any other one. And it went down hill from there. My sister admitted no guilt. I got mad at my sister. My sister got mad at me. My husband got mad at my sister. My father left because he didn't want to deal with the arguing.

After dinner, my husband and I went to try to find my father and drove around to see if we could find him. We also decided we were leaving in the morning. Finally my father came home. We went to bed. We got up early and were on the road home by 7 am.

I get to sleep in our own bed tonight. I do not have to deal with any family members. I can get the rest I need. We will go back down Saturday morning to make sure they put the house back together (and I can bring back the books I took by mistake).

Mentally I am also in a better place than I was because:

• We are home away from my family, especially my sister.
• Our cats seem to appreciate the fact we came back to see them.
• I got my broken laptop screen fixed already (which must be some kind of record)

All I have to do is find the damn remote control for the bed so I can raise it up so I can get comfy and take a nap.... (one of the cats must have put it on the dining room table).

What is the scientific truism - if you keep doing the same thing, how can you expect a different result?

August 19, 1981 Where Were You?

We all remember the first time a doctor tells us 'you have cancer'. I have always remembered. I was in post op after surgery and the doctor told me. I had long since forgotten the date but knew it was the summer of 1981.

In the process of moving, my husband has insisted I clean out some boxes of belongings in the basement. This has been a 'discussion' throughout our marriage. He has decided they are too old to be of any use to me.

I disagreed. However finally I broke down and started sorting through them (or so he thinks). What I really have done is go through them and sorted the contents briefly and then repacked them in a new box which is now sealed up, labeled and ready to be moved to our new house.

Going through the boxes did give me a chance to do a tiny bit of sorting. One of the items I found was a receipt for TV services during a hospital stay August 19-23, 1981. (I have no idea why I kept that - maybe my husband is on to something, but I will never tell him.)

What that little piece of paper told me is when I had my thyroid cancer surgery. It was my first hospitalization which I remember fairly clearly. It was a life changing event. I had long since forgotten the date.

The hospital rooms are not that different now. They may have been painted since and the beds have probably been upgraded. The TVs have been updated - they used to be big heavy ones up high on the wall in a corner. I think they had remotes. Now they have TV/computer which can surf the web as well as watch my favorite shows. They still all are private rooms with a bathroom with shower and a sink in the main part of the room.

On the other hand, I am very different. On that date, I went from a young carefree college student to someone with cancer. My life changed greatly. You have no idea. I am still digesting it.

That tiny little piece of paper finally allowed me to put a date on the day my life changed.

More on change

As part of moving, we are looking at a variety of locations. The biggest requirement is that my husband's commute stays reasonable. Well the first requirement is that we buy a more affordable house. But my husband's commute is the other significant factor.

Originally, I said we need to stay near the hospital where I am treated, relatively easy commute for me to work, stay near the gym I go to (because it is wonderful) and stay near my family members who live locally. Then we realized that as we downsize, my working will become a lesser requirement. And if I don't work, I can take a day each week to spend with family members so that is two things down.

The next issue of being near the wonderful gym I go to for dilapidated people is significant. But I hope if we move too far for it to be easy to get to three times a week, I might be able to find another gym with the right kind of equipment and supplement that with a physical therapist.

Finally, the remaining big issue is finding another hospital. I really don't want to but if necessary I would. I have been a mostly happy patient there for almost 35 years. All my medical records are there. But if it became more than a 45 minute drive, that might become an issue since I go there an average of once a week. I think that would become a last resort but could be under consideration. The bonus is that  it is about 10 minutes from my husband's job so that if he has a good commute chances are it would still be accessible for me.

I have considered if we move further out I might make a point of getting registered at a more local hospital so that the bulk of my medical history and allergies are there in case of an emergency visit. But I am not impressed with what would be the new local hospital's emergency room so that might be off the table.

Grr. I just want the damn move to be over so I can get through the all this packing and un packing.

Change

I don't like change. I like my little 'ruts' that keep me doing the same thing over and over again. And I'm usually okay with it.

However, my health requires me to make changes, regularly. I look back on my life in recent years and can recall many things I used to do, for decades, but do not any more because I can't.

For example, if you have read my blog for a while, you may note that I used to go for a daily walk. Every day, rain or shine, I would go out for a walk, usually a fairly substantial walk for an hour. I really enjoyed it. Now the idea of an hour walk has me cringing inside. I can't. Its a combination of all my issues which make it impossible for me to even think about more than a 20 minute walk.

I also used to do more than go for long walks, I would climb mountains, go skiing, ice skate, bike ride, and more. I was an outdoor person. Now I am more of an indoor person. I have watched so many Lifetime movies that I know the plots of some of them by heart. (My husband believes these will rot my brain but I beg to differ on that.) After being out and about for a bit, I need to come home and sit or lie down and relax. Then I turn on the TV or read a book or knit.

As I age*, I am learning to accept change more. Well, okay, sometimes I struggle with change and sometimes I make changes intentionally. Yes I did change my PCP but I think that's enough change for a while.

Unfortunately my health may force more changes that I am not ready to make. Damn.

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*I am not that old. I am still 37. And this article which talks about mental sharpness in older people - defined as over 50 - made me feel old!

Will I be what is expected?

Later today I am getting together with some old friends, from high school. One of them I got together with a couple of months ago, the others I haven't seen in decades. Will I be what they expect? I have no idea.

In recent years, I have skipped telling people about my cancer crap right away. I just say I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia - and some people do not understand those implications.

I have found that I skip telling people about cancer until I know them better. There is no reason to. And sometimes they run away. A few years ago I reconnected with an old friend and she wanted to get together until I said 'breast cancer'. And I never heard from her again.

My health has changed me in many ways. Internally both physically and emotionally, externally just physically only. I have lots of physical limitations - no twisting, lifting, carrying, shoveling, raking, vacuuming, biking, skiing, and lots of other things. I have some emotional issues such as depression and anxiety. Who wouldn't with my health? I have nothing to be depressed or anxious about? Hahahahahahahahaha.

Anyway, what will they expect me to look like and be? I have no idea. I guess I will just have to wait and see. Its been a long time since we used to go shopping at the mall on Friday nights to check out guys.

Damn those pesky blood tests

Yesterday my plan was to go to my therapist and then get some blood work done for my rheumatologist. The hospital switched to a new software program with a new patient interface. I like the interface because I can see all my upcoming appointments and test results and all sorts of fun stuff.

When I saw my rheumatologist earlier this month we agreed to switch around my meds which meant more blood tests. I had made a note of getting my blood work done yesterday but realized I never got any notification on my planned blood work. I decided I should call to find out if they were really scheduled. And they weren't. But because I called, they were happy to put them in the computer.

So I went for my blood work after my new therapist urged me yet again to go to a different support group on how to relax more. This morning I got the result. And they suck. To be honest.

This means my plan to switch away from methotrexate and the forever and ever colds may not work. Damn those pesky blood tests. Damn.